Today we talk about anger. We do this with Luigi Sorrentino, psychologist and psychotherapist, expert in relational problems, with whom we had already studied the topic of loneliness of children in this period of covid emergency. How many times do you get angry in a day? In traffic, for the indifferent colleague, the nosy neighbor, the nuisance mother-in-law, the partner who does not understand you, the economic difficulties? The list could go on forever. The pressures of this period easily pour into our emotional state. Our nerves are under pressure. It can also happen that fear makes anger mount. Well yes, anger is a set of emotions that just like cream swell until we explode. Doctor Sorrentino explains to us that the size of our anger depends on thecognitive interpretation. In other words, what we think when we get angry. The relationship is that of cause / effect. But when faced with the same cause, we don't all react in the same way. The answer is, in fact, emotional. Related to what is considered a provocation. Have you ever tried to talk to an angry person? It's not easy at all. Especially if that person becomes aggressive, they express their anger excessively.
Anger, how to communicate
Choose the assertive mode, i.e. open, understanding and without judgment. But where does anger arise? Sorrentino believes that the basis - as confirmed by scientific studies - is “the strong sense of frustration and compulsion". The psychologist explained to italiani.it that "there is direct and indirect aggression". We identify the latter in those people who "sulk, are spiteful". Those behaviors that can easily be interpreted as sometimes even subtle provocations.
What can be the advice?
In the opinion of our expert, “we must not vent our anger, but rather learn to express ourselves and breathe. In fact, we will have noticed that, whenever we get angry, we hold our breath. This is why over time all those oriental disciplines that lead to the development of emotional intelligence have taken hold. We must also learn not to stifle the passions. This will avoid the build-up of tension. Otherwise we will create family and social models toxic of people who continually unleash themselves on others instead of understanding or understanding each other. The key word is calm. Communicate with confidence. That is why the meditation and work on emotional as well as cognitive intelligence. When we are relaxed, we are fine, we are sure of ourselves, there is no attack on our self-esteem or on the intimate sphere ".
When we talk about blind anger
“Anger - comments Sorrentino - is comparable to blindness. Let's listen to one of the many I's inside of us, the angry, blind one. When the outburst passes, then, we realize that the reason was elsewhere ". “Freudian theories - continues the psychologist - said that anger had to be vented. In reality, this is not the case. Venting it tends to consolidate it. Instead, we should contrast it with assertiveness and become aware that people are sometimes "blind" but they don't do it on purpose. And above all, avoid harboring resentment ”.
Anger serves to predispose to attack or flight. Because?
“Anger - underlines Sorrentino - is an emotion and often hides fear. It may seem strange, but courage does not exist in nature. Just like animals, humans also run away or attack when faced with a threat. The problem, however, is that we live in a reactive society. People are always on the defensive and attacking. Anger is a poison with which we would like to kill our enemy but we are the ones who ingest it ”.
What then is the right solution?
Sorrentino advises: “you have to be receptive. Welcoming others with their flaws. Feeling compassion for those who have not yet found our own serenity in life. It is certainly good to avoid relating to others when you are angry but it is not good as a long-term strategy. Instead, an active effort is needed to resolve the issues but also to find the way to express one's nature and predispositions. When a person is well he gets much less angry and understands others more. The winning solution is assertiveness ".
Can we say that those who get angry are not very intelligent?
"No. Many times - underlines Sorrentino - it is environmental or form issues that generate it. A relaxed person in the traffic of the metropolis will tend to get angry after a while even if he has done so a few times in his life. Or again, sometimes it is the physical discomfort that makes us more irritable or the tendency to always please others by going against ourselves. Others, on the other hand, is the psychological one. Depression, sadness open the way to anger. Let's not forget that adolescents often express their discomfort with anger ”.
What to do then?
“Learning to know how to say no. Anger, as Wilhelm Reich (Austrian psychoanalyst student of Freud, ed) argued, is a secondary emotion compared to frustration. Cultivating ourselves will allow us to be open to others and give compassion, to avoid diverting anger towards people who have nothing to do with or even against themselves with forms of self-harm ”.
Do you often get more with anger and aggression?
"We have to admit that unfortunately it is sometimes true," says Sorrentino. “But in the long run this isn't a winning strategy because after a while, people walk away. With age we should begin to understand what irritates us in others. The bitter surprise is when we sometimes understand that what makes us angry is the behavior of others similar to ours ".
In conclusion
“In all these years of individual and couple therapies - indicates Sorrentino - the theme of anger and aggression has almost always been present. The problem is that when you feel on the side of reason, you think you have the right to bully and adopt bullying behavior towards those who are believed to be in the wrong. Beauty is the closest thing to truth or reason. Where is the beauty in treating other human beings badly in the name of reason alone? Some more some less we all do it, which is why I repeat that we should not feel good and just but bad, gossipy and sometimes inhuman. As many of you know, Socrates argued that there is no higher form of wisdom than the knowledge of not knowing, that is, doubting. You go to the desert to get lost, not to find yourself. When we begin to doubt the castles of certainties we have built for ourselves, then perhaps one day we will have a comfortable, warm and loving hut.
