This will be my last article for Italiani.it after five years of collaboration. Over the years, we've addressed numerous topics, and we've done so with one common denominator: to talk about the beauty of this country from every angle, to showcase its excellence to the world. We've done it as if we were a big family, and today I've chosen one of the topics closest to my heart: motherhood. From a very young age, I've maintained that “even not wanting to be a mother is a right”, Because a woman is already complete in herself even if she doesn't feel like having a child. And in any case, you can be a mother even without having children. Today, however, I'd like to try to understand, together with all of you... Who is the mother? And to answer this multifaceted question I will talk about it with the author and Genoese teacher Cinzia Pennati, who wrote a book with this very name for Mondadori.
Cinzia, how did the idea of writing come about? “She is a mother who…"?
The need arose from proposing a less sugar-coated and more realistic image of motherhood, it was born from all the words of the mothers and "non-mothers" who constantly write to me.
She writes, "Because you're not born a mother, you become one." How does one become one?
I believe we can all be mothers, even to other people's children; you don't have to procreate to be one. I have many foster mothers who have taught me so much, and I hope the same is true for my daughters. I don't want any primacy; in fact, I don't need it. If my daughters they will widen the meshes of love I think I've done my job. Motherhood is a long and complex process, always in complete transformation; I have little faith in the idea of instinct.
A mother is someone who knows how to make room…
Let's start with the first page of the book: "A mother is someone who knows how to make space." It's a beautiful phrase. What does it mean exactly?
A mother must know how to make room for other things, both in her own life and in that of her children, not demanding any primacy of devotion, and at the same time not burdening her children with her own compensatory needs. Children are not meant to fill our voids or those of the couple.
Another very relevant statement is: "A mother is someone who knows how to open doors, build bridges, and invent paths." Why is this important, especially in today's world?
We can't just love our children, and that shouldn't be enough for us. Certainly, if we did, we couldn't call ourselves good mothers. Love opens and builds bridges, it never closes.
Another related one is undoubtedly: "A mother is someone who welcomes without distinction of color, sex, or religion." Continue...
As a teacher and as a mother, but above all as a woman, I think that the place where we are born is just a matter of luck. Very often, when I see suffering in the eyes of other mothers and other boys and girls, I ask myself: What if it had happened to me? If I had to escape from poverty, from wars, from rapes…what would I do? Would I board a boat and try everything?… Yes, I would do it to save my children, and therefore, we who were born here must take responsibility for every form of welcome. It is our duty.
Cinzia, everything is complicated these days, even love, which should be simple. Why do you think we tend to complicate things rather than simplify them?
I believe that love isn't enough and that it's right to tell the truth; within a couple—whatever it is—there are personal histories, insecurities, culture, economic position, and positions of power. The love trolling, bring to the surface, tells a story, and love, even in this case, as far as I'm concerned, means loosening the net, not holding on to oneself but letting the other free. Love requires that each person be able to cultivate their own passions and interests; it cannot and should not be confined to what is considered a family in the traditional sense.
What do you think of the saying “happiness lies in ease”?
When we're immersed in happiness, we rarely notice it; that's the challenge. Knowing that we're constantly seeking happiness, and that it's not the final goal that makes us truly happy, but the journey. It's the daily journey we should value, the "while."
Cinzia, you're a teacher. What do you notice about mothers today? A positive and a less positive aspect.
As a teacher, I can only feel for today's mothers—who are no different from those of yesterday. Perhaps they are more frightened, more insecure, because, today—unlike yesterday—fortunately, there is greater awareness, and our lives oscillate between the desire to not forget who we are, the fight for rights, and being good mothers.
“A mother is someone who leaves the door open, even if it hasn't been passed through in a long time.” What would you say to someone who doesn't pass through the door?
I don't know what I'd say to those who don't cross the threshold, but I know what I'd say to those who wait: I'd say don't, move on, but always keep a connection with that son or daughter who wants to stay away. That's how you are a mother, too. Mothers disappoint, and so do their children. That's life: human and imperfect.
Today, many choose not to have children, or haven't met the right circumstances, or can't. But you write: "Being a mother is a condition, a state. And it's not just about the birth of a child; it often involves the ability to care for everyone's children." How do you come to this realization?
As I've said before, in my story, I've met many women who didn't give birth and who became mothers to others—not just adoptive mothers, but mothers of humane teachings, of rights, and political mothers. Being a mother can't just be about wanting to save one's children; being a mother means making humane and courageous choices for everyone. As I write, one of these women, Michela Murgia, has passed away. She is an example of how each of us can become a mother. A mother of ideas, choices, and courage, this is why I believe motherhood is linked to a condition. I reached this awareness by reading extensively about women and thanks to the women in this world who have had and continue to have the strength to fight stereotypes and inequalities for everyone.
Note: for the article cover image Photo by Jose Antonio Alba placeholder image da Pixabay
